Our society has long encouraged us to be altruistic, to help others by giving our all. But trying to please others can make people feel dissatisfied, both in one area and in life in general. How is this dangerous, and how can we stop trying to be good for others?
The Need for Love
All people have needs. We will look at social needs. They are based on the desire of people to belong to a social group, to occupy a certain place in it and to receive recognition and love from others. This category is one of the basic and essentially makes us “people” – members of various communities: family, professional communities, hobby groups, residents of cities and countries. At an early age, this need is developed and satisfied in the family. Parents enjoy the baby, surround it with care and love, and give it a place in their lives.
This is perfect. But it often happens that a need arises, but either not satisfied or not satisfied enough. Since it’s a basic need, it requires and needs to be fulfilled – in different ways. One of these can be the desire to please, to serve, to become good or good to earn “love”. And for a child, this means surviving. Over the course of his life, a person falls into different social groups and, having certain patterns of behavior, can continue to follow them, that is, “survive,” for example, by pleasing those around him.
We All Come From Childhood
It’s important to note that the childhood of “good” girls and boys from the inside can hardly be called prosperous. From the outside the family may seem ideal. But behind the facade there are often big problems: from emotional to physical violence and various forms of dysfunctional behavior. Children in such families often hear from their parents that something is wrong with them:
● “You bring trouble all the time.”
● “You can’t be trusted with anything.”
● “You can’t do anything properly.”
● “You’re stupid/clumsy.”
Receiving such messages, reinforced by emotional or physical impact, children begin to believe this and try to become “good,” to please and “deserve” love.
People can find a connection to their needs through emotions, which are “indicators” of the degree of satisfaction. Simply put, joy means complete fulfillment and sadness means dissatisfaction. Hence another problem that may arise. In families that are “perfect” on the outside, children are often not allowed to show negative emotions: to be angry or sad. They hear the standard clichés “boys don’t cry”, “good girls don’t act like that”, “don’t get angry”, “don’t stamp their feet and show anger”. As adults, they lose touch with their emotions and don’t understand which need is actualized at the moment. But instead of introspection they habitually look for a way to satisfy other people’s needs because the connection with their own needs is lost.
How Dangerous It Is to Try to Please Others
Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship
People who try to please others, often hide their mistakes, fears and negative feelings. Often they don’t tell their closest friends or relatives about their guilty pleasures, like betting at a bet app or watching awkward TV shows. This means they may not be completely sincere with a partner, that is to show only one of his “bright” sides and hide the “dark”. Because of this, anger can accumulate and break out in a passive form – through barbed irony, manipulation and control, which will hinder the development of intimacy. The sexual sphere can also suffer, since an important part of it is trust and a feeling of safety.
Difficulties in Establishing Boundaries
The person who aspires to be “good” for everyone can tolerate for a long time and allow others to do things from which he himself will suffer and accumulate all the same anger. There is also a danger of the emergence of dependencies of various kinds: from codependent relationships to behavioral variants – the use of alcohol or psychoactive substances.
Difficulties in Professional Fulfillment
It’s impossible to build a successful career, striving to please everyone. But staying in the office after work and finishing your report for your colleagues is quite possible.
Feelings of Dissatisfaction
It occurs against the background of the fact that a person ignores his needs. This can lead to depressive states and somatic problems.
The desire to please everyone is often not recognized by the person, and he or she may have ulterior motives. For example, the desire to deserve love often implies an obligation on the part of others to show this love. A person will do something not from “the heart”, but only to get something in return. That is to conclude a kind of hidden contract with the partner, under which he is obliged to pay for good behavior. They can also control those around them, causing them feelings of guilt.
